So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
