he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
