In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
