i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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