So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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