On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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