I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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