if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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