dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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