so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
