When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
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I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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