I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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