She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
