During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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