Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
