I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
