It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
