I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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