just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
