One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
