The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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