Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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