You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I will die if light touches me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
