part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
