i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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