You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
