if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
