sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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