Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
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I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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