If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
