if you like me you must not know who I am
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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