Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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