Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
