they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
