mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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