How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
