I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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