You smell like a Billy Joel song
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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