in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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