A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
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I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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