I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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