We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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