woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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