She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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