i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You pole danced in your parka.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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