I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
