On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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