Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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