it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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