i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
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YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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