don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
