my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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