oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
