I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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