True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
