apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
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I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize