Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
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